My whole world changed the day you were born.
I never knew a love so fierce as the love I felt for you the moment I heard your cries. I had no idea that when I saw you for the first time (before they hurriedly transferred you to NICU), I’d be so utterly overwhelmed at the thought of how amazing you are. I had no idea that I would be able to love with such deep affection, to a point where my eyes would be filled with tears as my heart overflowed.
I had no idea.
Throughout the pregnancy, I was afraid. I asked myself if I’m ready to carry this responsibility. To be completely honest, I was afraid that I wasn’t fit to be a mother — your mother. I was afraid of failing. I was afraid I’d messed up and push you down a similarly destructive path as my own. But the second I laid eyes on you, I felt complete. It’s amazing how you managed to fill that void inside of me that I never even knew existed.
I guess the void has been there for quite a while. It was easy to miss because I didn’t realize what it was for. Little did I know, the void was for you. I spent many years trying to work through my issues and failures, only to find myself still working to overcome the remainder of fear and bitterness that was left behind. It has been a lifelong battle, of which I have yet to successfully overcome. Because of all that, I was hoping that I was carrying a boy because being a girl is just too difficult, and I wouldn’t want my daughter to fight the same battle.
“It’s a girl” — my gynecologist said.
Like I mentioned earlier: I was afraid. Don’t get me wrong. I wasn’t afraid of you, but afraid for you. I didn’t want you to be pulled into the same traps that I did. It’s not easy to be a female in today’s world, my dearest darling. You will be scrutinized, analyzed, looked-over, stepped-on, and judged from the get-go. This world has the tendency of chewing you up before spitting you out without blinking an eye. And I didn’t want that to happen to you. But there you were, on the ultrasound monitor — my baby girl with a heart beating so loud and clear. At that very moment, I knew I wanted to protect you from all the evils of this world and teach you how to be a strong, independent woman.
In between you kicking and punching from inside my belly, I worry about the future. Your future. I thought about you and the obstacles you may have to tackle at some point in your life. I prayed that you’d grow up to be someone who’s confident of her image and abilities. I prayed that you’d feel secure being who you are. I prayed that you’d be both tough and gentle. I prayed that you’d see the world with a different set of eyes. I prayed that you’d someday find a man that would cherish you, and hold your heart gently in his hands.
And guess what, baby girl?
As I said all these prayers for you, I forgave myself. I forgave myself for the mistakes I’ve made. I forgave the people who came into my life and did me wrong. I finally let go of the past I’ve been carrying with me all these years. You filled the void that was left by my past. It is now filled with hope, joy, and freedom. I’m excited to walk this journey with you! Like every other family, we will have our moments, that’s for sure. But please know that from the moment you enter this world you are beautiful, special, and loved beyond measure. You can be anything, do anything, go anywhere. I am your biggest fan and will do everything I can to help you succeed in the path you choose to take. Don’t be afraid to dream big, my little girl.
As I look at your innocent, sleeping face, I know that you complete me. I love you so deeply and I pray that these moments between us are never lost.